I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Randomize
