I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
