Someone shit on the floor
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
