I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
