Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
