I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
