Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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