the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
