rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Randomize
