Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
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