So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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