A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
