Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
