He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
