marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
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