i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
