3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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