she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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