There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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