Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
