thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
