dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
