I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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