my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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