What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
