Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
