Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(