we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
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Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
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Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO