Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We left the knife in your bed.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
