can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
