he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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