I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Randomize
