The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
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Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
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I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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