i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
