Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Of course I have a pirate flag
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
