Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
