Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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