sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
