she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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