Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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