non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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