I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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