"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
