do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
