Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
