I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
