I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
