i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Randomize
