Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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