I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I would ride that face into the sunset
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
