He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
