I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
