Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
