Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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