my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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