I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
