I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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