Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
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They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
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Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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