I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
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