She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
