What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
