In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
